in five years: a look-back

"Where will I be in five years?" is always the question.

When I was a Junior in High School, I would have given anything to go to CIM or IU. Instead, I gladly went to BYU and studied with Dr. Bigelow. Those four years were the best four years of hell I could have experienced. I loved every second, but hated every other second. Looking back, I would not have changed anything! I loved my teacher (I cannot express this enough, ever), loved my friends (they really became a life support in all literalness, no joke), loved my growth (musically, emotionally, educationally), loved the music (LOVED the music), loved my quartet and Julie Bevan (my coach), loved the mountains (all those chasing rain, or ditching class to drive in the aspens...), loved the fun (as much as Utah can give) and have AMAZING memories. I do not want to live in Utah, but I keep the special times close, in my pocket.

When I was a Junior at BYU I would have given anything to go to Mannes, in reality, NYC; I even flew out to take a lesson with Paul Neubauer, I wanted to come to the city. I changed my playing to fit the style of Paul. Every suggestion he gave me I took to heart and slaved to play the best I could when I auditioned... I even flew Chris out to play with me in my audition, but due to circumstances which made me very upset (and really affected my performance), I did not get into Mannes. I had the choice of SFM or CCM. CCM seemed to be a blessing from God, as I applied two weeks before the audition. However, I got into CCM and was thrilled to be going there.

Fast forward past the desperate pleas of the summer in Orlando.
Fast forward past the terrible experiences of CCM (though I loved the people, the music and have made amazing friends who I love and/or live with).

Here I am, now in the city, the place I wanted to be all along. I am studying with a teacher who is the perfect teacher for me! I haven't felt this connection since the good Claudine days. Though I have had a bumpy road trying to figure out what to do with my life, in the end, I am getting what I have really wanted, subconsciously, all along. Also, if I had not gone to CCM, I wouldn't be in the city. It was the proper stepping stone in my life, FOR SURE!

This all stems from such an amazing lesson with Stephanie Baer I had today. All the work I have slaved into my instrument over the past several years--the intonation exercises, the ghost tones, the new instrument, the new chin rest, the new hand frames, no shoulder rest, yes--a shoulder rest, the new bow positions, the different strings, back to the old strings, no--new strings, more bow, less bow, different vibratos, play like Primrose, NEVER play like Primrose, play like everyone, Paul's inspiration, Claudine's passion, Stephanie's everything, Masao's perfection, Cathy's projection), all the guidance my teachers have given me (whether I have retained it or changed it completely--I have ended up a better musician, in the city I want to be, excited to grab life by the horns and march along my way. It is an uphill battle, the likes of Little Round Top, but I am going to stick it out.

NYU, see you in the fall!